Adam-Jackson

I’ve been including more photos lately but I really hate stock photos and couldn’t find any personal photos that I wanted to share so this one will be photo-less.

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At the time of this writing, I’m nearing my 5 month mark of being single and my 3 month mark of being “just friends” with Laura. I’ve written 1, 2, 3, 4 articles about dating. There are a few more but I don’t really feel like using Wordpress Search to find them. As many of you know, I never really “dated” until now. I’ve had two long term relationships and was lucky enough to find “the one” twice and yeah, I admit that I let both of them go prematurely but a relationship takes efforts on both sides and I can see things clearly now that I’ve had a few single months to myself to think about the past and do things better in my next relationship.

Having been on quite a few dates in the past 4 months, I’ve had a few good and bad experiences. The cliche situations that happen in those incredibly awesome romantic comedies that I love so much rarely happen mostly because I don’t have an English accent and need to be emotionally “fixed” by an incredibly beautiful and homely blond who is deep down lonely and wants a Cinderella wedding.

There’s one consistent set of sayings that I’m hearing again and again but I want to start with a bit of observations that I’ve witnessed. Since I’m a guy, I’ll be writing this as a man talking and not trying to be an equal opportunity blogger and provide both sides. I’ll be using “he” and “him” instead of saying “he/she” or “them”. It’s just easier that way. Guys are pretty complex. Most girls don’t realize this until it’s too late and usually by the time a girl is 22-25 years old, she’s been through enough heartbreak to realize that men aren’t easy to understand and she may have already given up on finding love or understanding men. Men think they have nothing wrong with them. I’m not sure what part of our brain or testicles tells us that we’re the right guy for every girl but we think this and thus often pursue serious relationships with any girl we can regardless or reasoning.

Ladies, how many guys have you dated had something about them that you didn’t like and wished would change. Or how many guys just didn’t make efforts to improve themselves once you both got comfortable, much less listen to your feedback about how they can improve despite your reasoning being that you love them and simply want them to be a better person for them and not that you want them to change for you? Yeah, us guys just don’t listen because we don’t see any way that we can improve.

I was walking to work today and realizing that every guy I passed isn’t the perfect guy. Yet, if you asked each of them to answer honestly if they think they’re a good provider, mate, potential husband and father, they’d respond back with “of course” simply based on the fact that they have some  honest and patient traits and the fact that they have a steady job. All men and women on both sides don’t see their own faults and this includes me.

Humans do a great job at observing others and sending criticism, hatred, feedback or coaching. I can go to my friend Matt and tell him he can be a bit short tempered and controlling of girls he dates and this is why he only attracts girls who had abusive childhoods. Which, in turn results in why he has so many arguments and disagreements with girls he’s dating about topics like, “should we switch to low-fat peanut butter?” while they’re at the grocery store. Telling him this won’t result in him changing but I do it anyway without thinking for a second that I might be the same way.

Despite all of these complications and men who think they are good mates, I’ve been hearing two phrases lately and each of them happened on the 2nd or 3rd date with nearly half a dozen women.

“You’re not like other guys. You’re different and I like that.”

OR

“You’re like every other guy and it was a mistake to date you. I sure can pick ‘em.”

When I first heard the 2nd line, I thought there’s something wrong with me. I’m the worst boyfriend in the world! I need therapy, I need self-help books and I need to improve myself. We all know self-improvements for others only forces you to improve just enough to impress them so logically I decided not to run out to a book store and buy tons of books on self-help. Instead, I remembered what my first two girlfriends and many more girls have said to me in the past few years, which is the first line. That first line that I’m not like other guys.

Side-Note: Ladies, if you feel that way about a guy, tell him because it will make his day. It’s really a great compliment to tell a guy if you really mean it.

So how am I not like other guys and like every other guy depending on each person I go out with? That’s the point. I haven’t changed but I’m going out with different people!

You’re not the perfect man or woman for everyone in the world

This is the ultimate lesson. Our lives dictate our decisions, inspirations and future. Every moment is used to decide what’s best for the next moment and, if you’re lucky, these experiences will lead you to smarter decisions as you get older. I’ve learned a thing or two in these last few months of dating. When someone tells you that you’re not different from other guys they’ve dated, here’s what you don’t do:

• Don’t take it personally and get offended
• Don’t run out and get a therapist or buy self-help books or try to lose 50 pounds
• Don’t try to change to be the guy that person expects
• Don’t give up and crawl back to your comfort zone.

If you do this, you’ve missed the point. You are unique and “not like other guys” to someone out there. Someone out there thinks that way of you and that’s the person who could potentially be your life partner and soul-mate. If you spend your life trying to impress people that don’t like you for who you are then you’re wasting your time. So as I walk down the street, my prejudice and ignorance will label guys. I see hot guys, fat guys, skinny guys, ugly guys, blue-collar guys, douchey bluetooth headset guys, guys with a great smile and guys who look really boring. As a woman, there’s a guy in a crowd of 50 who might be your soul-mate but just because he wasn’t the right guy for you, doesn’t mean he’s unmarriable. It just means he’s not the right guy for you.

Before you utter the words, “you’re like every other guy”, carefully weigh in on a few things.

• Are you comparing him to your past relationships?
• Are you comparing him to someone you hate?
• Does he remind you of someone you don’t like?
• is he the right person for you long term?

By answering these questions, a more appropriate statement would be

• There are some things that you do that I’m not a fan of but let’s talk about them.
• I love your personality but wish you worked out more. Can we go to the gym together?
• At this time, sex just isn’t as enjoyable as I wish it could be. It might be me. Can we explore some new things?

OR

• I don’t think you and I have have the right traits to make this last long term. Let’s go over those but I’m not sure about the future of us as a couple.

Now you’re working to a better relationship or giving up but you’re not simply leaving him hanging with a comment about him being like every other guy in the world. Humans pride themselves on each being unique or at least thinking that we’re all unique. Before you put a guy in a category of the rest of the “bad apples” think and see if you’re the one who shouldn’t be with him instead of the other way around. This argument goes both ways as guys make this mistake probably more often than women, thinking by looks at attraction alone and marrying someone who they’re not compatible with. If you’re controlling in your personality and you keep dating guys who are free spirits, saying he’s “like every other guy” isn’t correct. You’re at fault for not finding a guy that syncs up with your personality.

I’m a firm believer that there is someone for everyone there. Looks, money and success simply increase the odds of finding someone who will marry you but it may not be the right person. I take dating and relationships very seriously. I only date someone if I see a future with them of at least 3+ years and possibly marriage so everything we do together and how we interact is a test for the future. I always delay intimacy so I can measure how well we get along when sex isn’t in the mix and I always look at every new relationship as a fresh start because any filter I put up between us will eventually lead to disappointment. No one compares to your ex both good and bad so leave that out and start fresh.

When I was at Apple, we recruited a few guys from Best Buy and 2 of them were grateful and happy to be at Apple but another was constantly comparing our practices, training, support, activities and policies to Best Buy. it sucked the fun out of the job for him and everyone around him. The same goes with any relationship both business and personal. New experiences are meant to be cherished, not compared to the past.