Yay! Dating is Awesome!
I generally try to avoid repeating myself on this space mostly because I try to use my time as efficiently as possible and without wasting space for those of you who, for some reason, religiously read each of my blog entries (all 6 of you). So, if you haven’t read these two posts from March and August, I’d like for you to take the time and read them because:
- There’s a lot about this post that won’t make sense if you don’t.
- You won’t truly understand my situation which will only cause you to make assumptions which ultimately leads to me sounding like a crappy story-teller.
- You have nothing better to do than read my confessions that are months old and probably outdated with far more typos than my recent entries.
Now that you’ve spent the past hour catching up on some of the basics that make Adam tick, let’s move forward with an update on how life is as a single man.
Laura and I have been broken up for quite a while now and separated for far less. For the sake of no one’s business, I’ll keep exact dates to myself but trust me when I say that we didn’t break up and the next day I was dating because that would be really crappy and further justify this post that I wrote last week.
In fact, I did wait quite a while before getting back out there and I honestly would say that I’m not dating anyone right now because I view dating differently than every other guy I’ve ever met other than my Father who has influenced my life in more ways that I would have ever imagined. Each day I do something that reminds me of him and I consider that a good thing. Moving forward, I’ve actually focused on building friendships and not “dating” because dating has a few set rules or guidelines especially in the city.
In this fast-paced city life, people hook up all of the time. This doesn’t bother me religiously or philosophically or even physically, it’s just not for me, plain and simple. I’ve had chances in my time to sleep with someone after one date, just meeting or as a weekend / summer fling and I never take the chance because I honestly don’t find it that appealing.
Last week on the phone with my Dad he said this to me. Keep in mind, I’m paraphrasing (sorry Dad):
There is much to experience in life, small moments that will shape your future and some memories that stay bright and colorful for as long as you live but one thing is for certain; when a man is on his deathbed, his last thought won’t be a regret that he didn’t sleep with more women.
I couldn’t agree more. There are so many moments in life that we miss out on and as much as I’m told by my peers to relax, sleep in and be a little more lazy, I can’t help but feel there’s something I’m missing out on by hitting the snooze button and for me, that’s what sex is for most people.
Perhaps I’m just making excuses though regarding sex. I’ve never really cared for it. I would rather spend time with the person I love over a bottle of wine and watch the sun set in her eyes than the blinds closed engaged in a romp. I would rather create and invent and explore than take an hour or two out of my day to engage in a quick fix and temporary endorphin rush that is gone before you even begin to enjoy it. My next comment has nothing to do with any of my ex-girlfriends (all two of them) but my sexual schedule is, on average, once every 45 days. After my first girlfriend, I went 2 years without kissing a woman and even in a steady relationship, 3-4 months might go by between having sex. To me, this is normal because I’m honestly having too much fun to take a break and have sex.
This, ultimately is causing problems now. See, I joined a site to meet new people of the opposite sex. Some may call it a dating site but it’s not, in fact it’s a site where you can find friends and dates. I make things pretty explicitly clear that I’m looking to meet members of the opposite sex strictly for friendship because, as you know after reading my “dating game” post that I enjoy dating for the pure experience of learning more about someone else and peeling back their layers to reveal what makes them tick. It’s not manipulation, it’s utter curiosity for how the human mind works.
In the past 14 days, I’ve gone out with 6 women and 3 of them I’ve gone out with a 2nd or 3rd time. Two of these women I knew previously via my existing social networks and the rest were from this “friends / dating” site that I joined. Overall, the results have been terrific from my vantage point. Terrific because I’ve met some new people, shared and learned and had great experiences cooking with them, finding new lounges to hang out in and exploring the city’s cool spots that I never knew about before. It’s been a great experience but there’s an issue that’s starting to peek its little head out.
Yeah, that was a poor excuse of a sexual innuendo that failed miserably. Please excuse me while I wash my mouth out with soap.
The issue is that I’m not an intimate person. Well, I am. I wasn’t when I met Laura but she taught me how to love and accept being loved and let someone in despite having a very strong mental defense system. Me growing up a an only child for my first 11 years and my family moving almost every year until I was 15 made it where I learned to be very self sufficient and I can hang out all alone for days and not feel like alone at all. So the intimacy isn’t the problem, it’s intimacy as a drug, a crutch and as a minor boost.
My Father has always taught me to live life like a calm lake. Sometimes a leaf will drop and it will cause a small ripple but the lake is calm and serene with little interference. The ocean, although dynamic and full of great power is up and down. so many people go through life with extreme ups and extreme lows and this way of living leads to depression, feelings of failure, abuse of substances and overall unhappiness. There was a while when I began feeling this way but the past 6 weeks, I’ve remembered my roots and practicing what Dad has taught me and what I’ve taught to hundreds of guys who came into our dojo since I was leading the adult class at the age of 12 (practice what you preach comes to mind).
So, in the 2 weeks, 6 women and 11 dates that I’ve been on, I have hugged 3 of the women (50% of them) after 1 or 2 dates, I’ve not held hands, kissed or made any other moves on women that I’ve seen. This statistic, which is completely normal by my standards, is completely alien for the modern dating scene for someone in their mid 20s and furthermore, San Francisco (or big cities in general).
One girl has flat out asked me if I have intimacy issues and another has said over email that I am too old fashioned for her or that I just don’t like her and don’t have the balls to be honest about it. That’s certainly not true and I’m sorry to see her go but it’s for the best as I wasn’t ready to swap spit at this time.
I don’t have intimacy issues at all and I’ll be honest with someone about either us being in the friend’s zone or if they’re someone that I want to date but it’s not that I’m old fashioned, it’s just that I am not up for meaningless sex just for the sake of having sex.
What’s interesting is the similarities of sexual escapades and exploration with both strangers and people you started dating and how it compares drastically to drug and alcohol abuse. Without filling in another 800 words about that, it’s pretty clear that the ups and downs and instant pleasure do share some similarities but further more, some people want to let themselves go to another or the other way around where the guy or girl simply wants to “ravish” or be “ravished” for half an hour because our society as a whole has forgotten some of the most basic animalistic foundations we evolved from.
You know when you’re being looked at right? You get this feeling and you look up and someone is looking at you? This is one of our last senses that still works because we use that sense for sexual procreation. Most of our other senses beyond sight, smell, taste and hearing are gone because we don’t need to hunt, sense rainfall and find shelter or other things we needed a thousand years ago. That’s totally fine to me but I honestly think both sex and business are the last two animalistic qualities of our society. Well, that and ultimate fighter but who watches that crap?
Back to my original post, dating has been interesting after only two weeks and yeah I’m pretty much in the same exact spot that I was back when I was 17 after breaking up with my girlfriend for 3.5 years and embarking on a career in “computer stuff” and deciding after a month of dating that I was just going to stop for 2 years and focus on my career. I met Laura and it was wonderful but she also aligned with how I looked at life and we got along great. Sex wasn’t a part of our relationship (and I’m sure she’ll get pissed off for me writing that) but it wasn’t. Yes it was a “part” but it wasn’t our relationship and no sex didn’t mean we were cranky or pissed off. I haven’t found that in any other person that I’ve been with.
Things haven’t changed. When I was 17, 3 girls after dating them for a while casually were pissed that I didn’t make a move and now, at 23 I’m in the same position with three more women. I know for a fact that telling them I’m not interested in sex will ultimately result in not being able to see them again and that sucks because I’m enjoying spending time with these people.
I very rarely enjoy anonymous cowards who register spoof gmail accounts just to send me hateful BS but I did get an anonymous letter from someone that named three women who I know really well and who I consider “friends” as far as most people use the word meaning I like hanging out with them and catch up with them while at industry events or parties. The letter basically said that one or all of those women were going to try to sleep with me. What the hell? Seriously? Now, I have no idea who sent this letter so it may be BS and I’m not going to point any fingers or bring it up to the named parties but if true (and I guess we’ll find out soon enough), that means that three people who I considered friends are going to use sex to get one up on me or someone else and thus claim their territory.
Sigh.
This game isn’t for me. To those of you that say I’m not living life, shove it because I’m in love with every thing I’m doing right now. I’m happy, healthy and couldn’t be more content with where things are in life. I have amazing friends, a great family and things in the works that are going to really change the world. It sucks that sex is so inter-twined with going out with people of the opposite sex but it is and I guess that’s just life.
I happened to keep this post under 2,000 words (just barely). I still don’t know what I’m going to do but I had to clarify these things for the sake of my sanity and because I really do look at the world differently or maybe I don’t. Maybe there are guys out there like me but I have yet to meet any.
