My Thoughts on The Dating Game
On my trip to Austin last week, I publicly said that I was trying to see if I still had it. “It” being the mojo or whatever you call it to get a girl interested enough to leave with me but I had no intention of following through. I have an amazing girlfriend and she is a girl who truly loves me and will do anything for me. I realize that and will never be disloyal to her. I was riding home from an amazing BBQ dinner on a charter bus and I put on my headphones. For 30 minutes, I was alone with no laptop, no cell service and music and I dreamt of this blog entry.
Dating is awesome. It’s fun, exciting and sometimes, breathtaking. I have only been on a handful of dates. My first relationship (before I even started dating) was when I was 14. She and I dated for 3 years and there were some good and bad times but we always went back to each other. It wasn’t dependency because I’ve never been dependent on anything. I’ve stopped blogging and twittering cold turkey. I’ve stopped caffeine cold turkey and I’ve sold all of my possessions to move to San Francisco. I’m confident that she and I just enjoyed each other’s company and her Mom forced us apart because she was too young to have a serious boyfriend that she wasn’t engaged to. Of course this was “the south” and we were only 17 but that’s just how it was in the country.
After breaking up with my first girlfriend I was single for 2 years. I had a couple of girls I liked but I swore off women for those 2 years so I could get my life straight. I was blogging, traveling and progressing in my career. I was solely focused on work and family and going on 7 day vision quests out in the woods. I did a lot of things on my own and partook in a lot of road trips. It was my time and I grew a lot in those two years.
I met Laura when I was 19. I had just quit my year stint at Apple Computer working as an assistant manager in one of their retail stores and started my job as an IT Consultant for GWANDA. Laura was one month away from turning 23 and was celebrating her graduation from college. I was blogging at my favorite cafe and I stopped her as she was leaving and asked, “are you leaving?” We talked for an hour and later went for dinner. That night, I had no idea that we’d still be together 3 years later and I’d be asking friends for advice on engagement rings.
Now that you’re all brushed up on a little history I’d like to explain what excites me about dating. I feel like I’m going through the mid-life crisis at 22. It may be that I’m already at a stage in my life that others are in at a later age. It might also be there I’m just engineered that way and can’t control my own thoughts. I believe what I’m going through isn’t considered a mid-life crisis but here’s the spiel. I feel that I haven’t done anything yet. Crazy, right? You’ve seen my blog posts explaining what I’ve accomplished since moving to San Francisco and you’d say, “um hello look at all of the awesome things you’ve done!” but I am here to argue with that. There are hundreds of things I wish I could do and I’ve made mistakes just as others have. This is not the blog entry to post all of those but I did want to talk about Dating.
Guys, I’m going to break down why you go on dates. It’s pretty complicated. You go out with girls because you want to get laid. OMG that was so difficult to nail! SXSW in Austin was full of sex, sex and more sex. It wasn’t me having the sex. Everyone was doing it and I wasn’t in the least bit jealous. Want a little honesty? I’m not a fan of sex. I never have been. The reason I took the 2 year break from dating is because everything in a teenage relationship is about sex. I couldn’t go out on more than 4 dates with a girl without it being brought up. I lost 2 great girls because I wouldn’t do the deed. I was, by no means, a virgin. My first girlfriend and I explored the act after two years of dating.
Luckily, Laura was a “good girl” and she and I took things extremely slow and fell in love way before doing the deed and it was “making love” and not “getting laid” and that’s how romances should be. I’m not old fashion and I’m not self conscious and I’m not afraid of the unknown. What I am is a person who loves people and learning everything about them. It makes me vulnerable but it also means my friendships are so grand and they are friendships that last a lifetime.
I always got along better with women. I love their company, their love of art and music and their need to break someone down intellectually and find out what that person is made of. Guys have too many barriers and they tend to have a very thick shell of bullshit and they are never honest. I hang out with guys for the escapades and that’s it. I’ve never once gotten to the heart of things with any guy except my Father who is my best friend.
Connecting with women is so much fun. In high school, everyone – and I mean everyone assumed I was gay. I didn’t hang out with the guys, play sports or do guy things. I had the most wonderful friendships with girls and they came to me for guy advice. Girls, in the 4 years of high school, would find out I was dating a girl and say, “I thought you were gay.” It’s common and I’ve accepted it. In modern times it’s less of an assumption to think I’m gay and my interaction with women hasn’t changed.
This has caused problems with me personally because Laura is in love with me and she understands this is my behavior but it becomes an issue sometimes when I get back from a trip and explain how awesome this person was that I met and she gets a little jealous. I understand and my love of the female mind has gotten me into trouble. This happens on every extended work trip and because I’m honest, I always tell Laura my stories and it never ends well. Of course, I’m happy to announce that Laura and I in our 3 year relationship have never had an argument. We’ve had disagreements but she’s excellent at reasoning and I’m a great salesman and we go together like PB&J.
So back to dating. Why do I like to go on dates? I like to go on dates to learn more about someone and it’s my only chance to get a girl alone without distractions from her friends and I can work through the barriers to learn more about her. I can also talk about my interests and get their feedback on my latest projects. It gives me a chance to sit with someone, give advice and become their new friend. I can elaborate on what makes me tick and form a connection.
Dating is ideal because there is no other time to form this kind of relationship. It can’t be done at a bar or when she’s surrounded by her friends. It also can’t be done when she’s at work or at the doctor’s office and I’ve tried online dating. You fall in love with someone over email and when you meet, there’s absolutely no connection at all. I’m not talking sexual connection, I’m just talking life connection. Of course I can hang out with the guys over pool or at the bar but as I mentioned earlier, guys don’t let you in and you can’t build lasting relationships with guys—but that’s just my opinion.
I’ve looked for a solution to hanging out with girls that wasn’t dating and I haven’t found one. If any past girlfriends are looking at this post and wondering why I never tried to kiss you, this is why. If you’ve ever sat in a hot tub with me at 6AM and I’ve asked you about your relationships, your aspirations and what you want to do in life and left you confused because I didn’t make a move, well this is why. I didn’t want to date you, start a relationship or hook up with you. What I did want is a lasting friendship with you and to attend your wedding in 5 years when you finally meet that man of your dreams and I hope you’ll attend my wedding.
Dating has been my only chance to forge strong relationships with women and it’s never worked. If you know of another way, let me know. Social media is about bringing Internet relationships and turning them into real life friendships and that’s what it has always been to me. It’s certainly worked but it’s always a hit and miss. I admit that I do have crushes on women and I’ve always wondered what could have been but we all have that feeling and it subsides after a few weeks. What is more important to me is what we can learn from each other in person, online or via simple snail mail. How can we all work together to build a better world and the person that you meet at a tech party that you don’t talk to because they’re too pretty or you may have nothing in common, might be the person that helps you change the world. Don’t miss out on those moments.
Guys: Maybe it’s in your DNA but you don’t have to fuck everything. All of you this weekend who were chasing women, you lost a lot of respect from me. Yes I’ll still talk to you guys and yes we’ll still work together but I have a mental list of all of you and it was sickening. If you can’t help it, get counseling. You all could have benefited a little bit more from actually getting to know these women and maybe both of you will grow as people. God invented jerking off for a reason. The reason isn’t that you can do it later after the girl at the bar turned you down. The reason is that you can do it because you spent all night talking to a girl about what makes her tick, you gave her a kiss and she went home and you do it before going to sleep. Better yet, you let go and remove the curse of “getting off” and read a fucking book instead. Now you’re a better human being and now you’re becoming enlightened.
This is not a holier than thou post. This is a post full of honesty. If you made it this far, I applaud you. Leave a comment and share it with a friend. We’re humans being humans and working together will change the world. Sex is for making babies and you all are doing it way too much and I’m not being religious here. Using it as a crutch and to fill emotional holes. If you know me, don’t talk about it anymore because I’m not out to fuck. I’m out to meet people and help change the world.
